Questions...Questions....Questions....

Lately, it seems like everything I thought I knew about God, about what it means to be a Christ-follower, about what it means to love, to be compassionate, to uphold justice, and to hear the cries of the oppressed is being challenged. It is not being challenged by any specific circumstance, nothing life-changing or tragic has occurred; but something deep within me is stirring, stirring in a new way.  It is causing questions to arise. More questions than answers, for sure.  There is a curious unrest in my soul.  It is hard to articulate.  But as I read Scripture, as I meditate on God’s Word, as I sit in silence, and as I simply live each day, I am seeing things differently. I am thinking differently.  Long held doctrinal truths are being challenged. Not in a way that makes me wonder if they are true, but challenged in a way that makes me wonder if they are too “small”.  I find myself dwelling on the reality that God is simply bigger, much, much bigger than any doctrine can express.  Much, much bigger than my favorite author, pastor, church or community can proclaim, and much, much bigger than what my thoughts can comprehend. 

Now I realize that “bigger” is not a very profound or intellectual word, but it is the word that keeps coming back to me over and over again.  Bigger, grander, these are the words that are moving me out of my long-held ideas of who I think God is, to reach into the mystery of who God really is. I’m quick to acknowledge that I’ll never fully comprehend the greatness of God, but why then, do I so often speak as though I do?...that I somehow have God figured out.   How often have I grasped on to something I’ve heard, or something I’ve read, or to a certain way of interpreting scripture and said,  “Ah, this is it….this is what it means” and without realizing it, that “meaning”, that “understanding”  becomes my new idol.  And, of course, I want others to worship that idol as well.  So these days, I’m asking myself, “Do I genuinely want to know God as God is; or, am I content to know God the way I want God to be?

Psalm 25:15, says, “The Lord confides in those who fear Him. He makes His covenant known to them.  May my eyes always be on the Lord for only he can release my feet from the snare.”  There are two words in this scripture that catch my attention.  First, that word “confide” grips me.  It is deep and it is penetrating and it is something that is not a part of every friendship or relationship. What does it take for me to confide in someone?   Let’s say that I eagerly go to my best friend with something I long to share with her.  It may be a joy or a sorrow; it may be a secret from my past that has shaped who I am today, but whatever it is, it is personal; it is a reflection of my innermost thoughts and feelings. As I meet my friend, she happily welcomes me and says, “Oh, Vicki, I’m so glad you came, please share, I’m here for you.”, but as I begin talking, I notice she is distracted. She discreetly looks at her watch, glances over my shoulder to wave at the passerby, or checks her text messages under the table, all the time smiling and nodding appropriately at my words.  Or maybe I am sharing something about my character that has remained hidden from her and she suddenly interjects with , “Oh no, no, that’s not who you are, I’ve known you for years, and you are not like that at all, you are like this….”.   I suddenly realize that I simply cannot share the deep things of my soul with her.  My longing and my desire to share this part of myself with her hasn’t changed, but her heart is not open to receive it; at least not now. She is stuck on who she thinks I am or who she needs me to be in this relationship.  Of course, we are still friends, but she doesn’t realize the loss that just occurred in our relationship; and, thus, there remains a distance between us……a distance that saddens my heart.

It is amazing to even think that the almighty God longs to confide the deep things of who He is to mankind.   So when God looks at me, does he see a heart in which he can confide?  Or, am I the friend who eagerly welcomes God to speak to me, and yet, have already written out the script for him?  Does He see  that my eyes are fixed on Him or does he see a heart that is distracted and “snared” by  my long-held ideas of who I think God should be?  

The second word in that passage of Scripture that jumps out at me is, “snare”.  Webster’s dictionary describes that word “snare” as “something by which one is entangled, involved in difficulties, or impeded (2) something deceptively attractive.”  Could I be snared by my own deceptively attractive “God-image” that I refuse to let go of?  Is my heart truly open to receiving from God what doesn’t affirm my pre-conceived ideas and thoughts? 

What if God revealed something about God's self that totally obliterated every single thing I ever believed was true?  Would I want that Truth more than I want my own truth?  Or, would I say, “Oh no, no, that’s not you, God, I’ve known you for years and that’s not who you are!”   Am I willing to die to my own understanding in order to live in the fullness of God’s truth every moment?  And, what would my life look like if I knew God this way, if God confided in me, how might my definition of “love” change? If the One who is Love confided that Love to me would I be comfortable?   I can only imagine the transformation that might take place as I surrender daily, moment by moment to the God that IS Love. 

Somehow, I think that getting an intimate glimpse into the heart of God would devastate me at levels I cannot even comprehend.  I think it would open my ears to hear the cries of the oppressed in a way that no longer allows me to intellectualize the problem by saying, “someone needs to develop a new program”; or “our government needs to do something about this.” Or "They brought this on themselves."  Or, "They just need to pray more, read the Bible more, go to church more."  NO!  I think a glimpse of this God-Love would break my heart and my beliefs wide open and call me to action. The action of meeting people where they are, without judgement, but with compassion, love, a listening ear, and then asking myself, "What is the next, right considered action here?" And then doing it. 

This brings me to my next question:  What would happen if the Church was made up of  “confidants of God?'  How drastically would our man-made ministries change?  Would we see people and needs through different eyes?  How would our priorities change?  Would we experience less division and more unity?  What would that unity look like?  Would we lay down EVERYTHING for the sake of knowing the Truth as it really is? ....the Truth that will set ALL people free……free from the “snare”, from those things that entangle their souls. (and some of those things may be “religious” things)  Would we see that God is drawing ALL people to himself regardless of race, religion, political affiliation, socioeconomic status, sexual orientation, educational level, intellectual level, whether they are liberals or conservatives or felons or priests, etc. 

Yes, my heart is restless….something is stirring deep within me,  It is simultaneously terrifying and glorious.  Is it because God is calling to me....trying to confide in me?   All I can say is, “God help me”…..I believe He will; and I will never be the same.

Shalom.

Living Thoughts vs. Writing Thoughts

I love to read and I love to write.  I’m not a professional writer but a journaler. I think journalers are somewhat different than writers in that they generally write with the idea that nobody is ever going to read what is being written. It is personal. It is for "their eyes only". 

For me there is tremendous freedom in journaling. It is here in my interior world where I get honest with myself, my feelings, my thoughts. It is here that I can lay down any pretense or facade that I feel the need to present to the outside world. It is here, alone with my paper and pen, that I write about the things I wrestle with, the sheer delights and joys that surprise me, the brokenness that no one else sees, the fears that sometimes control me, the small victories in my soul. 

At times my journaling is a free-for-all, messy, unedited, stream of consciousness, raw.  Other times it becomes a form of study, researching topics for days on end, seeking for truth.  I journal about relationships, friendships, areas I want to grow in and change in. I write about world issues that trouble me, people who have impacted my life in both negative and positive ways. I write frequently about other people’s writings that have inspired and challenged me. Often by the time I am done journaling, there is a “healing”, a purging of my mind and heart.  There is a sense of peace and empowerment that comes from sorting through the emotional clutter and questions; seperating the truth from the lies.

I love anything that speaks truth to my soul.  And journaling often opens my eyes to hidden truths; gems of truth that are tucked away in those secret places that only God sees and understands.  It is during those times of journaling that I “feel” closest to God; when I feel most strongly that I am being the person that God created me to be. However, I have discovered that there can be a down side to journaling, at least there is for me.  I find that I can too easily withdraw into my introverted world of thoughts and ideas and simply stay there.

One of my favorite authors is Viktor Frankl.  He was a Jewish neuro-psychiatrist who, along with other family members, was forced to endure the horrors of being imprisoned in a concentration camp during WWII.   Dr. Frankl had spent years writing a manuscript detailing a theory of psychology that he developed called Logotherapy.  He had poured years of research and hard work into this book. It had become his purpose and calling.  After being taken prisoner, he lost everything including the manuscript, his life’s work.  In a sense his whole identity was ripped away from him.

In his book, “Man’s Search for Meaning,” Frankl reflects on that horrible day when he arrived at the concentration camp. He wrote:  

“Not yet did I notice that an answer to this question with which I was wrestling so passionately was already in store for me, and that soon thereafter this answer would be given to me. This was the case when I had to surrender my clothes and in turn inherited the worn-out rags of an inmate who had already been sent to the gas chamber immediately after his arrival at the Auschwitz railway station. Instead of the many pages of my manuscript, I found in a pocket of the newly acquired coat one single page torn out of a Hebrew prayer book, containing the most important Jewish prayer, Shema Yisrael. How should I have interpreted such a “coincidence” other than as a challenge to live my thoughts instead of merely putting them on paper?” (p. 120).

That phrase, a “challenge to live my thoughts instead of merely putting them on paper?” struck me hard. Words are powerful tools and can open our hearts and minds to rethink things, to gain insight and understanding, to inspire us,  but if they are not put into action they are meaningless.  Words, in and of themselves, do not transform us. 

More than ever, I want to take up the challenge to LIVE my thoughts and not merely put them on paper.  So why am I blogging?  Isn’t blogging just one more way of putting words on paper (cyber-paper)?  Perhaps; but, it is a step beyond journaling for me.  It is no longer for my eyes only.  It calls me out.  It doesn’t allow me the comfort of  withdrawing into my introverted world, but to share with others, while at the same time inviting others to share with me.  It is an aspect of community that I desire and need.  So, today I am launching out. I don't know how it will all unfold, or what this blog will look like tomorrow or the next day. But, nonetheless, I am letting go of the shore; it is kind of scary, but I, the introvert, am launching out, and looking ahead!  

Shalom!